by Bobbie Christmas
Q: I’m trying to grasp the concept that adverbs tell rather than show. I don’t quite understand what you mean. Will you explain “show rather than tell” using different words?
A: Yes. Let’s look at this example: Jack rapidly walked to the closet and quickly took a jacket off a hanger. “Rapidly” tells how Jack walked. “Quickly” tells how he took the jacket off the hanger. While nothing is wrong grammatically with that sentence, it’s considered weak in the creative sense. Strong writers use strong verbs that show action by themselves. Strong verbs don’t need adverbs to support them and tell how the action took place. Here’s a possible rewrite: Jack raced to the closet and snatched a jacket off a hanger. With the recast we have two strong verbs—raced and snatched—that show action all by themselves. The writing is tighter and stronger plus it shows, rather than tells.
There are other ways writing tells rather than shows, such as in these examples: John was frustrated. Mary was pretty. To avoid telling show John’s frustrations through his actions and dialogue. For example, one might write this: John tried the doorknob one more time; it still refused to turn. He slammed a fist into the door, kicked at the door, and yelled, “Open the damn door, Harry!” Instead of telling readers Mary was pretty, one might show it this way: Mary’s blond hair fell in ringlets around her petite shoulders. Her green eyes sparkled in the twilight.
I hope these examples and the possible rewrites show the difference between telling and showing.
Q: According to the latest edition of The Chicago Manual of Style, it’s no longer allowed for a writer to italicize inner dialogue. Will you please tell us how to accomplish the new way of indicating inner dialogue?
A: The Chicago Manual of Style 17th Edition addresses the issue in 13.43, page 725. It says that thought, imagined dialogue, and other internal discourse (also called interior discourse) may be enclosed in quotation marks or not, according to a style set by the publication or contest to which you are submitting or even according to the writer’s preference. If a thought begins midsentence, it normally begins with a capital letter. Here are some examples of two ways to handle inner dialogue: “I’ll just eat a little of this popcorn,” Marcia told herself, “but just in case I want more, I’ll buy the biggest size.” Alvin wondered, Why did Elaine call me at four in the morning?
I want to add a few more comments, though. First, readers are quite familiar with thoughts being set in italics. As long we are consistent throughout a manuscript, no one would argue that such use is terribly wrong.
Next, in real life we cannot hear other people’s thoughts, so when tempted to go into a character’s head, consider another, more realistic method. Read on to see what I mean.
Most importantly, thoughts tell, whereas actions and dialogue show. For that reason, the more creative approach shows characters’ thoughts not through inner discourse but through the actions or dialogue. Examples:
- Marcia pondered her choices and shook her head a few times before telling the clerk, “I’ll take the largest size of popcorn, just in case I want to eat more.”
- Alvin glared into the phone. “Elaine, why would you call me at four in the morning?”
Both these examples show what the characters were thinking without having to rely on punctuation, italics, or inner dialogue.
Q: Approximately how many gerunds and how many adverbs are acceptable per page? I won’t hold you to the answer, I’d just like an idea.
A: Gerunds (words that end in “ing”) and adverbs (many of which end in “ly”) are not inherently wrong or right; they simply indicate a missed opportunity to write stronger and avoid repeating the same sounds. If you delete all of them and replace them with active verbs that tell, rather than show, consider yourself a winner. I’ll take a stab at an answer, though, because you’re right; not all can be deleted so easily (see?).
Let’s say to strive for only ten “ing” words and ten adverbs per 50,000-word manuscript. If you can keep the volume that low, you positively power up your prose. Whoops! There’s another adverb. If you cannot reach such an ideal level, one or two “ing” words and “ly” words per page wouldn’t stand out. On one page, though, four or more of either might be distracting or appear repetitive.
Bobbie Christmas, book editor, author of Write In Style: Use Your Computer to Improve Your Writing, and owner of Zebra Communications, will answer your questions, too. Send them to Bobbie@zebraeditor.com. Read more Ask the Book Doctor questions and answers at www.zebraeditor.com.
