Awkward Sentences

by Bobbie Christmas
Q: Are both of the following sentences below grammatically correct? The first one seems off because it sounds like “while waiting . . . sister” defines “dance.” I think the second sentence is okay, though.

Joe and I had planned that our first dance would be while waiting for his sister.

Joe and I had planned that we would have our first dance while waiting for his sister.

If these are not good, do you have another suggestion? Thanks
A: The first sentence (Joe and I had planned that our first dance would be while waiting for his sister) is awkward and required I read it several times to understand it, even though it follows proper guidelines for grammar. The second sentence (Joe and I had planned that we would have our first dance while waiting for his sister) is better and a little clearer. It too follows proper guidelines for grammar.
A stronger sentence, however, would avoid the participle (-ing word that turns a verb into something else) and might then go like this:

Joe and I had planned that while we waited for his sister, we would have our first dance.

Q: One person in our writers group stated that avoiding split infinities is old hat, and people in the publishing business no longer notice them. Is this true?
A: Like English, grammar guidelines shift over the years. In one way the member of your writers group is correct that a split infinitive is not considered an error. If a sentence can be written to avoid a split infinitive without making a sentence awkward, however, then it makes sense to use smoother prose. “John wanted to solidly come in first place” has as much meaning when rewritten as “John wanted to come in first place solidly,” and it no longer splits an infinitive.
On the other hand, sometimes revising the sentence makes it lose power, in which case the rare and occasional split infinitive serves a good purpose. The writers for Star Trek, for example, got away with saying, “To boldly go where no man has gone,” but they also met with controversy for using it. Changing the statement to “Boldly to go where no man has gone” or “To go boldly where no man has gone” did not have the same power, though. Again, a split infinitive is acceptable, but strong writing keeps infinitives—as well as split ones—to a minimum.
As a general rule, if it is easy to recast a sentence to avoid a split infinitive without spoiling the power of a sentence, it is always best to do so. “I’d like to finally finish school,” for example, recast as “I’d like to finish school finally,” reflects smoother syntax.
As a final thought, adverbs are often the part of speech that splits an infinitive, and strong writers avoid adverbs. By deleting the adverb in the example, we get “I’d like to finish school.” Nothing is lost, the sentence is tighter, and it uses no split infinitive to wrinkle the noses of strict grammarians, however antiquated their opinions may be.
Q: Which is correct?

Needless to say the barest of necessities were used in that small room.

Needless to say the barest of necessities was used in that small room.

I’m guessing “were” is correct, to agree with “barest,” an adjective.
A: You have identified an instance where the structure of a sentence creates a question of verb usage. Often when such an issue arises, it’s time to address the wording of the whole sentence, rather than question the use of a verb. We all know that singular subjects take singular verbs. If you were to diagram the sentence, a lost art, you would see that “barest” is not used in the sentence as an adjective, but as a noun. It becomes the subject of the sentence. Take out the prepositional phrase “of necessities,” and the sentence would read like this: “the barest was used” or “the barest were used.” Which verb would you then choose? “Was” would be the choice, yet the sentence (“the barest of necessities was used”) sounds awkward. The better choice is to recast the sentence, remove the preposition, and you have a simple, clear sentence with a clear verb: “Needless to say, the barest necessities were used in that small room.” Even better recasting changes the sentence from passive to active voice: “Needless to say, that small room held the barest necessities.” Let me go a step further, though. If something is needless to say, why say it is needless to say? Consider this final recast: “That small room held the barest necessities.” That last sentence shines through tight writing.
Inherently you guessed which verb would be correct, but whenever you find yourself mulling over which verb to use, it might be time to recast the sentence to avoid awkwardness. Recasting resolves the issue and strengthens the writing.

Bobbie Christmas, book editor, author of Write In Style: Use Your Computer to Improve Your Writing, and owner of Zebra Communications, will answer your questions, too. Send them to Bobbie@zebraeditor.com.
BOBBIE PIC