by Bobbie Christmas
Q: Someone online the other day inquired about a quick, easy way to look up questions about writing. People suggested The Elements of Style by Strunk and White, as well as The Chicago Manual of Style. Those are well known. I suggested Bobbie Christmas’s Purge Your Prose of Problems.
Now I’ve just looked through that book and your other gem, Write In Style. I think I remember reading something in Write In Style, where you said when writing in third person, the writer’s voice should not have opinions about the story or characters that they impose on the reader. I hope I’m remembering this correctly.
I want to make sure I’m not advising a client wrongly about her story. If the main character says someone’s a jerk, that’s fine, but the narrator should not call that character a jerk. Right?
I’d like to quote you (if that’s your position) but I can’t find it in the book.
A: You’re absolutely right. The issue is one of author intrusion. If the narrative calls a character a jerk, it reflects the author’s opinion and is therefore author intrusion. If a character calls someone a jerk, that’s the character’s opinion and it’s fine.
Example of author intrusion: The jerk who stole Marie’s purse threw it in a trash bin.
Example of character’s opinion: Marie looked at her battered pocketbook and said, “The jerk who stole it threw it in a trash bin.”
Although I may have covered the issue briefly in Write In Style, I covered it more in depth in Purge Your Prose of Problems. Here’s what Purge Your Prose of Problems says about author intrusion:
Strong writing shuns author intrusion, which can happen when a portion of a novel is not written in the viewpoint of a character in the book.
Minor author intrusion can be a word choice that implies personal feelings, rather than using a true description.
Example: The weather was beautiful. (Beautiful is a personal opinion.)
Better: The weather was perfect for kite flying because a slight, steady breeze blew through the treetops. The sun peeked through thin clouds, imparting a warm glow to the vast green slopes of Rocky Top Park.
Sometimes a one-word intrusion occurs when an author chooses adverbs that reflect a personal opinion.
Examples of minor author intrusion: Luckily, the car was unlocked. Hopefully, she would heal quickly.
Better: He found the car unlocked and breathed a sigh of relief. She hoped she would heal quickly.
We also sometimes see the two-word intrusion of course. Of course the door was locked. Delete it in narrative. The door was locked.
Sometimes thoughts not attributed to a character can sound like the author’s opinion and therefore constitute author intrusion.
Example: (author intrusion) He had better hurry; someone might catch him breaking in.
Better: (action) His hands shook, even as he tried to hurry. (thoughts) I’d better hurry, he thought. What will I do if someone catches me breaking in?
Example: (author intrusion) She shouldn’t have yelled at him. Now he would be angry.
Better: (dialogue) “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have yelled at you. Please don’t be angry.” (thoughts) Why did I yell at him, she wondered. Now he’s going to be angry with me.
Major author intrusion stops the action and dialogue and goes into an explanation.
Example: Junior Sol wept into his hands. He felt bad because, even though he was a doctor, he couldn’t do anything to save his mother.
Better: Intern Junior Sol wept into his hands. A nurse patted his back. He turned to her, almost shouting. “What good were all those years of medical school and all this training? I still feel like a little boy.” He pointed to the body in the hospital bed. “I can’t even help my own mother.”
All that said, creative writing has only guidelines and no actionable rules. If an author wants to express a personal opinion in a novel, no police officer will come and make an arrest, but in fiction it’s wiser to let those opinions come out of the mouths of characters rather than the author’s. Nonfiction is the place where we express our personal opinions without going against any tenets of creative writing.
Send your questions to Bobbie Christmas, book editor, author of Write In Style: Use Your Computer to Improve Your Writing, and owner of Zebra Communications. Read Bobbie’s Zebra Communications blog at zebraeditor.com/blog.
