by Bobbie Christmas
Q: I have recently written a novel in Farsi and I have translated the first seventeen pages of it to English. Even though the story line has been of interest to some publishers and agents in US and UK, I could not get them to commit. I am willing to rewrite it, and I would like to know what I should address to interest publishers in America.
A: It’s been my experience that people translating from Farsi use quite a few gerunds (words ending in -ing), but contemporary American publishers prefer authors to avoid them, because they not only get repetitious and wordy, but they also rely on passive verbs (forms of “to be”) instead of active verbs. For example, instead of “She was planning a trip to Florida,” publishers might prefer “She planned a trip to Florida.” Instead of “They were dancing in the street,” strong writers would choose “They danced in the street.”
Also, those who learn Farsi first sometimes then learn British English, which is more elevated than American English. American publishers often expect the writing to be on about a sixth- or seventh-grade reading level, rather than higher, as British English tends to be. I would avoid using British terms, too, such as amidst, amongst, whilst, and towards, when in America we use amid, among, while, and toward. These things are minor in comparison to the story, though, and American publishers want a compelling story peopled with interesting characters. Americans want plenty of plot-related action and dialogue and a satisfying ending, even though it doesn’t have to be a happy one. Contemporary publishers rarely purchase literary writing—which tends to have long, flowery descriptions and such—and prefer tight, active, writing.
Q: I spent time reviewing one of your books on writing. One place said that a writer reported that an agent read only his first page at a conference, gave it back, and said it was too passive (telling, not showing). The writer said the action started later, but the agent didn’t get that far.
My novel starts with two passive sentences before the story becomes active. These two sentences contain the verbs could, were, and had. I loved my opening until I read your article, and now I question it. It’s written below. The suggested change uses the active verbs dropped and jaunted. Is the easy tempo of the original text strong enough to use as an opening sentence, or should I lean toward the turmoil of the second version?
The text at the end of paragraph two is passive exposition but is engulfed in a sea of action. It’s there because I can’t find a better way to express this thought. Let me know what you think.
[Author Paul BuBose granted permission to use the actual text below.]
Original Opening Sentence:
Tammy Martin could not resist the temptation to run down to the beach after school, even for a short escape. San Juan and the Academy were miles from her thoughts; pent up energy had to be released.
Revised Opening Sentence:
Filled with pent-up frustrations after six and a half hours of tolerating the stupid sisters at the Academy of Holy Names in San Juan, Tammy Martin dropped her books on the front porch and jaunted toward the ocean two blocks away.
Passive Exposition:
The irresistible beach had a tropical similarity to the Philippines, but that was too long ago to remember. She had lived in four other places around the world since then, the last in Northern France.
A: I definitely like the revised opening sentence much better. Use that one.
Most of the portion labeled Passive Exposition works okay, because it is brief. It uses that to refer to a concept, however, which I advise against. It could be revised to be more active than passive, too, perhaps this way: She found the beach irresistible and similar to the Philippines, where she had lived before . . .
A short spurt of passive writing here and there that constitutes a small percentage of the manuscript will not detract from the overall pace, as a rule. We writers cannot and do not have to completely avoid using passive voice.
While we’re on that section, though, the scene is in Tammy’s point of view, so it should not tell what she cannot remember. With all this information in mind, then, consider revising the sentence labeled Passive Exposition this way: She found the beach irresistible and similar to the Philippines, but she had lived in four other places around the world since then, the last in Northern France.
Bobbie Christmas, book editor, author of Write In Style: Use Your Computer to Improve Your Writing, and owner of Zebra Communications, will answer your questions, too. Send them to Bobbie@zebraeditor.com.