(when friends and family don’t understand you)
by Eric Schumacher, reprinted with permission, first published at FlapperPress.com
He shuffled upon the stage, nervous, looked at a crowd of diverse and eclectically dressed people who looked back with sympathy. He wondered if this was a place where he could finally, truly, relax and rely on a calmness that comes from the elusive acceptance of others he’d rarely known in his life. He leaned into the microphone.
“My name is Eric. I am an actor and a filmmaker,” he said.
“Hello, Eric,” roared the crowd in sympathetic semi-unison.
He knew he’d found his pack.
If you’re in the artistic fields, you may have experienced a feeling of being a little, or perhaps a lot, out of place in the general public. Worse, you may have experienced feelings of judgement or a lack of acceptance from friends, acquaintances, close family members, or even your own spouse.
There are many wonderful things about being an artist. We have the opportunity for amazing and profound experiences as people digest and hopefully find our work meaningful. Being an artist, however, is not always an easy path.
The strange ways we make our living as artists can, for many, lead to erratic income. Our lifestyle and way of looking at the world often don’t mesh well with the lifestyle and need for stability and normalcy of those in our orbit. Let’s face it, looked at through the lens of societal norms, most of us are a bit odd. Many of us wouldn’t have it any other way.
As artists, we can often feel like creatures who are so different from everyone around us that we might as well be wizards and witches from J.K. Rowling’s brilliant works as we try to be accepted in a world of muggles.
Nonetheless, we are still social creatures. We love who we love and we are born to who we are born to. The balance between the artistic life and its beliefs and the legitimate needs of the rest of the world can be tough to maintain. I’ve seen marriages and family relationships be put under tremendous strain and sometimes face utter devastation as the artist faces the judgement and fear of well-meaning spouses and family members. Ever hear someone you love say “grow up and get a real job” or “stop being such a weirdo”?
How do you deal with all of this? How do you handle it when you are confronted by someone who doesn’t understand you?
As my Kung-Fu Grandmaster often says: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Seek First to Understand:
Before you find a solution to any problem you must first understand it. To do that you’ll need to take a step back from your own emotions, and once you think rationally, try to understand why the other person feels the way they do. Perhaps they fear you’ll end up homeless and broke. Perhaps they don’t understand how artists make a living and think the only successful artists are super-rich A-Listers. Perhaps they fear you’ll go down a dark path to drug addiction, as so many legendary artists have done. Perhaps they’re jealous of the attention you devote to your art, and they feel ignored.
Seek to be Understood:
Once you’ve understood more about the motivations of your muggle, you have the opportunity to help them understand your motivations and perhaps make them feel better about your need to pursue the arts. Set aside your ego and keep your raw emotions at bay. Be sincere. You might talk about your strategy for success. Explain the way artists make a living. Reassure them you’re not easily influenced by the wrong people. You might talk about how hard you’ve worked to be the best in your field. Whatever it is you need to address, I suggest you make sure they know they are important to you, that you appreciate their loving concern, and that you acknowledge why they feel the way they do. Express your need to be who you are, and explain how important their acceptance is to you. Remain open to what they have to say in response and tell them if you have learned something valuable. Remember, just because you’re the artist doesn’t mean you’re always right. Make sure you apply what you’ve learned and demonstrate that sincerely over time.
Accept What Is:
Hopefully your friend or family member will understand where you’re coming from, and you’ll better understand them, too. Even if you don’t come to an understanding, it’s important to give them due respect for their opinions and lifestyle choices. Then, based on your priorities, you have some decisions to make about the place your relationship with them will have in your life, how you will approach future talks, and whether you’ll adjust your approach to your artistic career. Whatever you decide, it’s important to be conscious about how you feel and about what’s most important to you.
I believe mutual respect and sincerity are key in these conversations. If your muggle cannot give you due respect, it’s important you give respect to them. At least you know you’ve done your best.
Now go do something amazing!
Eric Schumacher is a critically acclaimed multi-award winning film, TV, and multimedia actor/director/producer and the current president of niche entertainment and marketing company Seelie Studios, LLC. Eric is best known as one of the few performers to have played both Doc Holliday (Tombstone Rashomon) and Wyatt Earp (Legends and Lies) in nationally publicized productions.